i’ve spent most of today keeping to myself. going between normal emotions and then sudden moments of deep thought, reflection, and crying.
for those of you that don’t know me, today is one year since my mother passed away. the whole thing was a shock to all of us. it happened suddenly, and to a point i still don’t know what happened. i found her face down on her bedroom floor, she had fallen, hit her head on the bed frame, and was unresponsive. an ambulance took her to the hospital, where i waited for hours, slowly going crazy from panic attacks, begging people to come pick me up because i needed to get away from the hospital. no one came, all i got was “we’re praying for you” messages.. which i’m sure to some people is comforting, but to me, it was slightly insulting…
i sat in the family waiting room of the ER for hours, finally a nurse who was kind enough to understand that i needed to get away from there offered me a ride home. she even bought me something to eat.
my brother and sister in law, who were living in ohio at this time, came home immediately, when they transferred mom to the bigger hospital, they let me rest and they went to see her. i’m grateful that my family understands that hospitals and me do not mix, and they understood why i wasn’t going with them.
my mother was pronounced brain dead, we made sure they did as many tests as possible, and then we honored her wishes, and took her off of the machines keeping her alive.
our life after that was hard. i was unable to find a job, my brother and sister in law moved back to help me take care of things, and they too could not find jobs. we were on the verge of complete disaster.
its still shocking to me that all this was only a year ago, and how much has changed since then. just one year ago i was miserable, wondering if i had an actual point to life, if i was ever going to get out of this pit of depression and feel like a human being again.
and the strangest emotion of all, is knowing that if my mother had not died, one year ago today, i would not be having a baby in just a couple of months.
ben found me on facebook, just after mom’s death. he was the one who helped me move when we moved in with a family friend. and in a way, i really do think that he saved me. but if mom had not died, he probably never would have gotten in touch with me. life would have remained as it was. and i would not have vincent kicking me in the tummy right now.
life is a very strange thing. i am so very thankful for the people who have been there for me while i was struggling, and i am so glad that i am finally smiling again. this day will always be a deep wound, but i have a lot of love and support to bandage it.